J. D. Salinger passed away today at the age of 91.
I was 14 when I was introduced to Salinger's Catcher in the Rye, and I was amazed by the time I finished that book. In a profound way, the world as I knew it changed forever after I read those books.
I was convinced that I needed to go to prep school in order to find (and maximize) who I thought I was. Only by going away to school did it seem (to me) plausible to shape who I would become as I approached adulthood. I was mad at my family for more than a year, when my request to go to prep school was denied (I'd envisioned Woodbury Forest, Deerfield or St. Paul's as my future alma maters). I thought at the time that they simply didn't understand my needs. They were "phonies," just like Holden Caulfield talked about, "phonies" holding me back.
I didn't fit in at my junior high or even high school back then, even though I was moderately popular. I'd been introduced to a world so different from my own in Catcher in the Rye. Mind you, I had no intention of losing my mind like Holden. No, I saw opportunity in the world that he was running from; I knew that I could make it where he could not. I felt that I could channel my angst differently, and use it to my advantage. For all of those people inspired by Holden Caulfield to abandon the establishment, I wanted in.
It took years for me to reconcile that side of my personality (that desire to be of the establishment) with the reality of being black and gay and not rich. The world that Holden was escaping physically and mentally, quite like Salinger, was not to be mine, no matter how much I thought I wanted in at the time. And in so many ways, I am thankful that I was never given that opportunity. I have learned so much, and I have been through many experiences, experiences that have enriched me as a human being. I would not have become the person I am if I'd had my way back then.
But for that small window of time in my adolescence, I wanted what Holden was giving up. I wanted it, because I thought that the keys to the kingdom were along that path. And though I understood his concerns about the people around him, those concerns were immaterial to my adolescent desire to get what I felt I deserved: an opportunity to have and be among the so called best.
Funny thing is that Salinger was right all along. People are phony, and there I was desperate to become one. I am so glad I did not, and I think that might have made Salinger (and Holden) proud.
3 comments:
Of all the obituary pieces I've read on Salinger, what you wrote here Free strikes me as the most meaningful.
Here's what I wrote on another forum I play on--
Goodbye J.D.
His life seems so strange here in our Oprah world where people fall all over themselves to get their 15 minutes of fame, to get on the teevee machine and promote themselves into "celebrity." It seems so strange--and in a strange way, admirable--that J.D. Salinger chose to avoid being a celebrity.
But then read The Catcher in the Rye again and listen to the voice of Holden Caulfield. Maybe it doesn't really seem so strange after all.
"Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be."
--Holden Caulfield
Rest in peace, Mr. Salinger. And thank you.
Beautiful reflection, Free. I had the same experience, although as a white teen. I never voiced to my parents my desire to go to prep school, but felt I was certainly in the wrong place in a small town Mississippi public school. Gay but only semi-conscious of it, passionate about the arts instead of SEC football, and from a family materially more blessed than most around me. I was forced to be phony to fit in. Actually not to fit in, but to literally physically survive.
Catcher speaks anyone looking for their place in this world.
It would not surprise me to hear that many people will revisit Catcher in the Rye during these tough times, as they sort how to simplify their lives.
I can imagine the peace of secluding yourself from most of the world, but I also know that I am much to social a beast really to pull it off.
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