This news about the Rutgers freshman who committed suicide after his roommate videotaped and posted his sexual encounter with a guy is just heartbreaking. I've had a hard time trying to contain my emotions on this in order to do this post. There are so many questions that will remain unanswered. What drove Tyler Clementi to suicide over this? Did he think his family and friends wouldn't accept him? Had he really even accepted himself? Why would Clementi's roommate do something so invasive and foolish? Who could Clementi have talked to that could have prevented this?
Every GLBT person has been in that vulnerable position of not being sure if he/she will be accepted by family and friends, and some simply cannot handle the idea of having their truth known. I remember being completely scared all through college that my "secret" would be discovered, but I made it through, like millions of others. I just wish that someone that Clementi respected and loved could have been there to help him through this, to tell him that he should give things a chance to get better.
17 comments:
I’m very sorry to hear of the young man’s death. You ask, “Why would Clementi's roommate do something so invasive and foolish?” Who knows, but I can speculate that he was uncomfortable about having a gay roommate and was looking for a way out of the situation. Could he appeal the assignment under Rutgers policy? If he did, would he be labeled a bigot? I would guess that if DADT is repealed you will see more of this type of thing, not less, as young servicemen are forced into intimate accommodations with gay men. Just as a straight man cannot understand the POV of a gay person, I think you underestimate the depth of feeling on this issue for most straight men. You label DADT an “injustice” and want to flip a switch to change it. As this episode shows its hard to predict the consequences of these revolutionary changes.
All that you've just said negates your first statement. You've just sided with the roommate, who has not said whether or not he had an issue with a gay roommate. Word is coming from folks from the living roommate's high school that he was just an asshole. The other problem with your point is that it ignores ALLLLLL of the gays, lesbians, bisexuals and (after their service is done) transexuals who have served, and who currently serve in the military. While it is true that the majority of gay soldiers are serving in silence right now, some are not. Explain that phenomenon. Why not look into their stories? Talk to some actual gay veterans about their experiences.
It's tragic, just tragic. Anonymous: Does being gay mean you can't keep your hands to yourself? That's certainly the implication of your argument, as if the majority of str8 men think that gay men want to do them. As a former member of the USN (before DADT), I cannot help but reflect on Tailhook and other str8 sex scandals ... I get it. Some people don't share the "homosexual lifestyle." That's fine. I don't particularly want to be a redhead, an albino or a Methodist ... but I certainly wouldn't want to make them serve in silence ... well, maybe the Methodist, but that's just my god virus revulsion talking. The roomie maybe wasn't a bigot ... but he is certainly an asshole ... that's pretty much all-inclusive ...
I’m not sure one comment negates the other. A loss of life is always tragic. I was just trying to speculate on the roommate’s point of view. They guy may be a jerk, or a prankster. Out of curiosity, would you feel different, or would his actions be equally wrong, if he had videotaped his roommate having sex with a women?
I think serving in the military in the closet is wildly different than serving as openly gay. What I was predicting was the reaction of straight soldiers to having a openly gay soldier in their midst. Right now, if there is a closeted gay solider there is nothing to react to. But if there is a gay solider or a gay couple in their midst there is a lot to react to. Again, I don’t think you have an appreciation for the depth of emotion on this for most straight men. I’m not commenting on how the gay soldier will feel or act, but I feel confident commenting on how the straight soldiers will react if forced into intimate accommodations with openly gay men--badly. If it is repealed, I’m sure you will feel that the military will be a more “just” institution, but I am almost certain it will be less effective.
If DADT is repealed, there will be more incidents like this and worse. Just out of curiosity, why is changing DADT so important to you?
More details coming out. Seems like the student was pretty open about his sexual practices.
http://www.slate.com/id/2269301/
Actually, open is a relative term. In this day and age there are plenty of people who are "open" about aspects of their lives within the context of an online community. That doesn't mean that his family or friends from home necessarily knew what he was up to at Rutgers. I was "open" with my straight housemates, but they could not tell you what I did with guys I brought home.
In a way, I feel like you are trying to search for a reason not to feel for this kid. Was he an angel? Probably not. Few of us can live up the the Jesus standard. But, it will be interesting to see how you will react if more salacious details come forth. Again, something happened, and until we find out what that is, my thoughts on this issue stand.
Arguments from the absurd:
"You know, if those gays would just keep it to themselves, not be so ... well, gay ... everything would be cool ..."
"You know, if those Jews would just be Jewish in private and not be so ... well, Jewish, everything would be cool ..."
"You know if those blacks would just be black in private and not be so ... well, black, everything would be cool ..."
When are we ever gonna grow up?
I like Mr. Sisco’s tolerance and respect for other people’s views. Just “grow up” America. Put aside centuries of practice and belief and embrace the gay agenda. Nothing like thoughtful reflection of the issues.
I can’t say I’m surprised that your thoughts stand despite the facts in the Slate article. Big Gay is pushing the narrative that he was a innocent confused young gay man who was violated and outed by his roommate. It’s a narrative that is both tragic and comforting--it serves their agenda. What the Slate article details is that he was a sexually active young man who was comfortable writing on an explicit gay website about his escapades. Though I didn’t visit the website mentioned in the article he apparently was also comfortable posting lewd pictures of himself on the internet. None of this matches the story that Big Gay is selling. Andrew Sullivan has done some brave writing peeling back the mythology of Mathew Sheppard, and the same thing may be needed here.
I’m sorry that he killed himself, but his note doesn’t give us any real insight into why he did it.
@Anon: I have to say though, and Mr. Sisco can speak for himself, that what you've just described is what folks on your side often have asked of American minorities, and when they don't follow that "advice," they are said to be wallowing in their victimhood. It seems like you are doing the same thing right here. The "poor religionists" who will have to suffer witnessing open gayness "ruin" our culture and traditions.
And my thoughts on Clementi stand because we don't have all the facts in. Again, you seem to be hunting for reasons not to feel for this kid. And you've dismissed all that I said in my earlier response. People use the internet, millions of them, to express themselves in individual communities that they might never do openly. I am personally a little more open about aspects of my sexuality than people I've talked to on hook-up sites I've visited or belonged to. You accuse "Big Gay" of constructing a narrative, as though you aren't. Your are determined to find every single piece of evidence to support the notion that we should not really feel for this kid.
What you refuse to understand, particularly within the realm of the internet is that people feel safe to post things within their chosen communities. Many, many closeted people use the internet to explore the side of themselves that they cannot share with the broad public, but can share with other gay people out and closeted. My guess is that that is precisely what he was doing. Most hook-up sites do not allow for the re-printing of images used on the site, so just because Clementi was open in gay specific sites doesn't mean that he was prepared for or deserved his str8 roommate's actions. You seem to be bordering on the classic "well look how she was dressed" rape defense, and all to score points against "Big Gay," and subsequently Clementi.
Nobody is wallowing. What I would hope for is a thoughtful reflective discussion that recognizes the enormous change to our society, our values, and our laws that is being proposed. To dismiss those issues with a “get over it” attitude will ultimately, I fear, make things worse. But perhaps this is not the forum for such a serious conversation. Maybe Mr. Sisco can just come up with a slogan that rhymes to support his political views.
Worse for whom? The world has not fallen apart in the six jurisdictions that have SECULAR marriage equality. Churches remain free to do as they wish on that score. No single conservative has persuasively made the argument as to how my getting married will affect their individual marriages, for example. No single conservative has persuasively made the argument as to how all of those other nations that allow open service in their militaries have not fallen apart under the weight of the gays within their midst. Why is firing someone solely because he/she is G, L, B or T (and not because of poor performance) a good thing?
Those are basic issues the "Big Gay," from the most left progressives to the Log Cabin Republicans would ask, legitimately.
Anon: ... You are right ... I have no respect whatsoever of your views ... just like I have no respect for someone who tells me, with all earnestness, that 2 plus 2 equals 125 ...
A century of practice and belief? Really? That's where you stand? That's good to know ... at least I'll know where to mail the leeches, flat earth literature and Glenn Beck propaganda ...
And, to be honest, I don't adhere to a "gay agenda' -- whatever the hell that may be ... I believe in human rights ...
And, to be clear ... at least I am willing to lend my name to my beliefs ... and you have every right to savage them ... but I find it interesting that you would hide behind anonymity to spout your crappola to the world ... Man up, dude
Slogans? ... Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that the conservative right has cornered the market on sloganism for the past year or so ... So I bow to your party's superior ability to distill the relevant issues of the day into 25 words or less ...
Free: Thanks, dude you said so eloquently what I've been saying for years ... The American Taliban tells us that same sex marriage leads to the "destruction" of the institution ... Figures? Divorce rates of the jurisdictions that have it? About the same as they were a decade ago ... The American Taliban also would have us believe that our "outness" will lead to an explosion of rampant homosexuality ... Figures? In the jurisdictions where "gayness" is no big deal, are there instances of rampant immorality, dogs and cats living together and the general erosion of mankind? Not really.
Big Gay? Is that like Big Tobacco? I've not seen the literature and advertisements on that one ... But, since I live in the Caribbean, I may be out of touch (geographically, at least) ... Is it like Big Black during the "movement," which, by the way, went against centuries of beliefs and practices (and you know THAT just leads to the downfall of civilization) ...
It's pretty much a binary condition, if you ask me ... (and I haven't thought of a catchy slogan yet ... still working on it ...) ... 20th Century or 21st Century ... which one will you choose? I already know your answer, Anon ... was a rhetorical question ...
Damn ... got so wound up that I forgot to mention the Clementi tragedy ...
His room-mate SHOULD be charged, though not necessarily for a hate crime ... he and his girlfriend invaded someone's privacy and posted streaming video of sex ... We won't EVER know what was going through his head (and this is the problem with hate crime legislation), but they both should be prosecuted for, at the very least, negligent homicide ...
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